This Page is a joke!

WARNING!! If you are easily offended by midwife jokes turn back now

If you use more super glue on women's bottoms than your broken china.......you might be a midwife

If you've ever crocheted with an amni hook.......you might be a midwife

If you carry more tanks in you car than Jacque Cousteau.......you might be a midwife

If you hear "doppler" radar on the Weather Channel and your ears perk up.......you might be a midwife

If you've recommended Castor Oil more times than the local Quick Lube.......you might be a midwife

If your idea of "seeing the head coming" doesn't refer to your beer.......you might be a midwife

If it takes a hour to get dressed to go out yet 45 seconds to get dressed in the middle of the night.......you might be a midwife

If you talk about seeing the "crown" and you weren't at Buckingham Palace.......you might be a midwife

If you've had your picture taken so many times with babies you should be running for office.......you might be a midwife

If there are more ways to reach you than the local fire department.......you might be a midwife

If you can actually name more than three African drum bands.......you might be a midwife

If you know that "post partum" doesn't mean your fence is coming apart.......you might be a midwife

If you've ever been called by a neighbor with a farm animal in labor.......you might be a midwife

If the color of you car is unrecognizable because of all the bumperstickers.......you might be a midwife

If you refuse to sell you junky run down car because you'll lose your bumperstickers.......you might be a midwife

If you think c-section should only be the cheap seats at a ballgame.......you might be a midwife

If you know that a fetoscope does not measure shoe size.......you might be a midwife

If the 36,000 mile/3 year warranty on your brand new car actually means less than one year.......you might be a midwife

If your tires are going bald faster than your husband.......you might be a midwife

If you think the only use for forceps is as salad tongs.......you might be a midwife

If you've made more great catches than Chipper Jones.......you might be a midwife

If you know that a lie is not where your golf ball lands.......you might be a midwife

If you think that a "tail back" is a new kind of birthing position.......you might be a midwife

If you know a cesarean is not a salad.......you might be a midwife

If your idea of a vacation is taking a car ride outside your beeper range........you might be a midwife

If you know that a pinard horn is not a musical instrument.......you might be a midwife

If you think the only way to measure centimeters is by spreading your fingers.......you might be a midwife

If you get more calls from ladies with broken water than the local plumber.......you might be a midwife

If you've ever ran out of gas and used a breast pump and catheter as a siphon.......you might be a midwife

If you've ever used cord clamps as hair curlers........you might be a midwife

If you've ever used a speculum to put on a tight pair of shoes.......you might be a midwife

If you can eat cherry jello while watching a birth film........you might be a midwife

If you talk about yeast infections like they're dairy products........you might be a midwife

If you've ever put on a latex glove to remove the stuffing from a turkey.......you might be a midwife

If you have more hemostats in you glove box than a Grateful Dead fan.......you might be a midwife

If you think Deliverance is a childbirth movie........you might be a midwife

If you refer to your beeper as "my home phone".........you might be a midwife

If you discuss adhesions with your family at the dinner table........you might be a midwife

If you know that perineal support is not a kind of stocking.......you might be a midwife

If you consider a pair of black Birkenstocks "formal wear".......you might be a midwife

If your realize that "breeches" are not a southern man's trousers........you might be a midwife

If you know that ultrasound is not a fancy stereo........you might be a midwife

If you've ever stopped on your way to a birth and someone has looked in your car and asked "Are you Moving?"........you might be a midwife

If you've ever gotten out of a speeding ticket by actually showing the state trooper a placenta........you might be a midwife

If you thought the movie "Catch-22" was a story about a month in a very busy midwife's life........you might be a midwife

If your idea of a color coordinated birthing outfit is matching the blood stains on your sweat shirt with the blood stains on your sweat pants........you might be a midwife

The views expressed on this page are not necessarily those of my wife. Also, sorry Jeff.

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