THE TOP 12 SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO

12. Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento.

11. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooter's.

10. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

9. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

8. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

7. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".

6 You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

5. Your kidney transplant surgery is held up while your surgeon awaits his arraignment for grave robbing.

4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn't come in different colors with little "M"'s on them.

And the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO...

1 Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.